i should be happy.

im going to a perfect school for me.
i should be ecstatic.
i got great scholarships.
i should feel proud.
im in one of the nations top 25 business schools.
i should feel upbeat.
ill be meeting so many new people so soon.
i should be smiling.
i should be sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for tuesday to come.
i should be happy.

but somehow im not.

every day i wake up ready to go. i do soem packing, do some of my assignments that i have to do this summer, cross items off my list of things to buy, things to do.
but by the time i crawl into bed i'm crawling alright. i go emotionally blank with disbelief that in 5, 4, 3 days im going to college. i wont be sleeping in my own bed. my mom wont be there to answer all of lifes questions and my friends wont be there to make me laugh automatically. i wont be able to be lazy like i was all summer. i have to actually say bye to everyone not just pretend say goodbye... like how i said bye to adrieanna two days before she moved in then saw her again tonight, a day after she moved in. or how i went out to lunch with mel today and then went to bluejeans tonight and saw her again. or how chewy threw everyone a farewell party but i jsut had to stop over her house to see her one more time tonight. or, or, or...

i gotta get all this outta my system. i want to be happy. ive been waiting for this! i want to get out of this dive bomb they call worcester, i do! i want to leave high school behind, gain responsibility and independence, meet new people, earn more knowledge, forge ahead...

... but doing is different than wanting.


i decided now that the few people that have direct access to this blog will nto be in college with me anymore and i wont post my link online anywhere. so if no one reads this ever anymore, its okay. they probably never did. but blogging's pretty theraputic.. knowing you can write anything and other have the potential to read it, potential to care, potential to understant. whether that potential is put to use is totally up to the world of cyberspace.