i should be happy.

im going to a perfect school for me.
i should be ecstatic.
i got great scholarships.
i should feel proud.
im in one of the nations top 25 business schools.
i should feel upbeat.
ill be meeting so many new people so soon.
i should be smiling.
i should be sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for tuesday to come.
i should be happy.

but somehow im not.

every day i wake up ready to go. i do soem packing, do some of my assignments that i have to do this summer, cross items off my list of things to buy, things to do.
but by the time i crawl into bed i'm crawling alright. i go emotionally blank with disbelief that in 5, 4, 3 days im going to college. i wont be sleeping in my own bed. my mom wont be there to answer all of lifes questions and my friends wont be there to make me laugh automatically. i wont be able to be lazy like i was all summer. i have to actually say bye to everyone not just pretend say goodbye... like how i said bye to adrieanna two days before she moved in then saw her again tonight, a day after she moved in. or how i went out to lunch with mel today and then went to bluejeans tonight and saw her again. or how chewy threw everyone a farewell party but i jsut had to stop over her house to see her one more time tonight. or, or, or...

i gotta get all this outta my system. i want to be happy. ive been waiting for this! i want to get out of this dive bomb they call worcester, i do! i want to leave high school behind, gain responsibility and independence, meet new people, earn more knowledge, forge ahead...

... but doing is different than wanting.


i decided now that the few people that have direct access to this blog will nto be in college with me anymore and i wont post my link online anywhere. so if no one reads this ever anymore, its okay. they probably never did. but blogging's pretty theraputic.. knowing you can write anything and other have the potential to read it, potential to care, potential to understant. whether that potential is put to use is totally up to the world of cyberspace.

a week from now

ill be in my dorm on newton campus in cushing hall at boston college. i will have met 50 kids also in the emerging leader program im in. i probably will be at this moment packing a bag with sneakers and active clothes for a retreat at a camp at the cape that im going on the next two days with those fifty kids. i wouldnt have seen my roomie yet because im moving in a night earlier than the rest of the freshmen. ill probably be looking around at the still partially unpacked boxes and clutter in my too-small dorm and mapping out in my head how i will organize my space without it looking like a color-coordinated trash bucket. i'll probably be calling my mom. i'll probably be texting about four people about how my first day on campus went, how moving in went, how meeting new kids went.maybe ill even be hanging out with some other kids that also moved in early, maybe meet some kids who will be my good friends in the long run, or some single-serving friends just to get myself out there.

in one week i wont be in worcester. i wont be three minutes from my best friends. i wont be under the same roof as my family, including moxie. i will be on my own, in boston.

i tihnk ive been freaking out a little bit. maybe someone mentioned how ive been freaking out. i jsut need to get all of this out before i explode. i have a bunch of carroll school of management work due friday. this work consists of five chapters in one book, three chapters in another, and a lengthy article, all about commerce, business, globalization, and equally enthralling subject matters, on top of two essays that count toward my grade in one class. ive so far read one five chapters in the first book. thats all. i need to finish really bad.
i also have to finish about a hundred pages in a novel the entire bc freshman class was assigned to read before arriving to school.
i also need to make another trip to a target or store of equal merit to pick up about 15 more incidentals on my never ending college-dorm shopping list.
i have been spending an ungodly amount of money on everything. it sucks. from toiletries to storage to clothes to computer necessities, my debit card is wearing thin.
i need to say bye to my friends. i jsut said bye to adrieanna tonight, one of my best friends. one of the first of my bests i had to say bye to. i also said bye to cat the other night at chewy's farewell cookout. and to some others that i refuse to allow myself believe i will not see in a while.
i need to pack. ive been going through my clothes and picking out what i will and wont bring. i need to make another cut. its like my articles of clothing are trying out for the bc fashion club or something adn some dont make the cut. my clothes will not all fit in my dorm. it sucks.
i need to recruit a few people to help me move in. im moving in a day early so i think there wont be many people helping carry stuff. and im in a residence hall with no elevator i think. and on the third floor. with a lot of stuff. like a fridge, for example.

last but not least... i need to stop worrying. someone just told me to stop. i guess its true. i will be fine. i will get my school work done, i always do. i will make time for my friends, and they will be here when i get back and i will keep in contact,.. i'm only 40 minutes away. i will get everything i need and i will not go broke. i will move in problem free and i will be happy.

but its only natural to worry.
i'll just try to keep it to a minimum.


i should be ecstatic, anywho. i mean come on.. i'm going to BC :o)
in ONE WEEK!

let's make the most

of the one month (exactly) until i move in to boston college.

not sure if i'm happy, excited, anxious, nervous, or quite possibly scared out of my wits at this point.