2 months

can you believe it? it seems like i've been at BC forrrevvverrrr but it's only been two months exactly! it seems so very long ago that i was moving my stuff into my dorm and meeting the ELP kids and having my first meal at Stuart and, and, and the list goes on. Is it good that i feel like this is home now? Well, a second home. I went home friday night to Worcester for my parents' 25th anniversary party. Yes, i missed 2 halloween dances and the peak of the halloween excitement on BC's campus but chances are it wouldnt have been thattt fun anyways. and my parents were really happy to see me. and i was happy to see them, and my cousins, and brother, and babci, and aunts, and uncles, and friends.. and moxie who is so cute and who my mom said goes in my room and is so confused because he can't find me. so sad. and it was refreshing to sleep in my bed and take a pointless drive with some friends and drink coffee at the kitchen table and take moxie out for a walk. yet i don't feel like i'm missing out on anything in worcester. i think it's the same with or without me. the routines continue. my house is still there. my car is still there. the streets and views are still there. and it's good to have something constant to go back to. something sure and therefore assuring.

but, now that it's november, and after a let down of a halloween and a few realizations, i have some goals. i wont get specific. but one is to definitely focus on my family. this is the month of thanksgiving and for family i am immensely greatful. and i realize more and more each day how comforting my family is to me and how lucky i have them to turn to. another is to really focus on my work. i always have and always do but i feel myself becoming easily discouraged. and a bit proud, too proud to get help. case in point: calculus is killing me, but i finally bit the bullet and swallowed my pride, emailed my advisor and had her set me up with a tutor. we're meeting tomorrow night, i have a test wednesday, and i'd rather not fail it. and i won't. included in this goal is to not waste my days. i set my alarm this morning for 930 to start my work so i dont sleep in til 1 and have that many fewer hours. yes, i'm tired, but id probably be tired anyways right now. in addition, i need to actually focus when needed. (unlike while writing this blog, but i kind of need to, for myself, see my next goal). yes, the conversations and laughs had while studying with my friends are great but distracting and time consuming. theres a time and place for that. and theres a time and place for focusing. in additon, i need to realize what my body and mind needs. i want to live healthier and in a way that will make me feel better. if i'm tired, i will take twenty minutes for myself to take a power nap, or go to bed early and wake up early instead to do my work. if i have a migrane i'll shut my eyes for a few minutes. another vow is to keep up with my spirituality. church is always a daunting thing: an hour less of my week to do whatever else i could be doing. but here it's different, i look forward to church because it's some me time, some time to put things in perspective and reflect and think and listen and have some mental quiet time. i feel myself feeling so much better after i go to church. and lastly, i want to NOT focus on boys whatsoever. i want to focus on friends. thats who matters. boys are complicated. they make everything complicated. always. especially when they don't know that are. i thought this b.s. would end after highschool and i'd be dealing with men not boys, but i was wrong. theyre all the same. thats a hyperbole but you get me. i decided i'm better at being friends with people including guys even if that sucks sometimes. but oh well. it's me. i'm the friend. and it's okay. i cant give myself a headache over it. another goal is to do more community service not because i have to but because i want to. it feels so good and its enjoyable and it helps people. what could be better. i also want to not focus on appearance as much. which is very hard at BC, because most of the people are absolutey beautiful. but i find myself being jealous of the girls that walk around with their longchamp bags and D&G jeans and prada shoes, then want to smack myself because those things mean nothing. i actually cringe when i put on an item of clothing that is brand name lately because it makes me think of how i perceive people who i assume are rich because of these items. and believe me i'm far from rich. but i'm far from poor. i am perfectly fine financially. and how someone else would kill for that ralph lauren sweater or any sweater for that matter really bothers me now.

okay i think i just came up with more goals than i thought i had initally but thats not a bad thing.

happy november.