pen to the paper

i decided i need to start writing again. my classes dont involve much. and i miss it. how weird is that?

so i'll start off assuming anyone readiong this knows all necessary background on the past month of my life. sorry for the gaps.

tonight i honestly had a life changing experience. is that an overstatement? possibly in retrospect. but right now i feel changed.
at ELP, jesuit father Jack B came in to speak to us. another boring ELP meeting, i thought. throughout the day i asked about three other ELPers what our two hour long meeting would be about tonight. none of them knew, none of us bothered to look, none of us were excited either. but when i walked into voute and saw the jesuit in his collar sitting there, i remebered something my OL told me at orientation. "some bc kids refer to them as crazy jezzies."
this guy didnt look crazy. he looked like a priest. a normal priest at that.
but when kate hollered "wilson!" and all of the 51 ELPers hushed, and father jack began to speak, i knew he had something more worthwhile to say than did any other priest i've ever come in contact with.
father jack got personal right away. asking why people chose BC, whether the reason be good or bad. he asked their names. he made eye contact. he eventually took off his shoes to get comfortable. he got on his knees. he sprang to his feet. he paced back and forth. he reached out his hand, he talked to (not at) us.
he spoke realities. he refered to drinking, to sex, to getting in trouble, to having fun. he talked about relationships and parties and roommates and football games. he told us his stories that were to my surprise much like our own. he was in love, he was in lust. he goes to the football games. he curses. he lives in a dorm building, even though he is nearing 50. he didnt know what he wanted to do with his life at my age.
he told us that we came to college to fall in love. not in love with a person, although that may happen who knows. but to fall in love. in love with our deepest desire, our life's calling, what we will do with our lives to help others, a way in which to change the world and transform into men and women for others.
when he said that, my heart almost stopped. i thought back to september first, this year. the day i moved into college. before stepping out of my house in worcester, i walked around my house, i hugged moxie and gave him a big bone i had bought him. i took a look at my room, still full of childhood memories and items like teddybears and ballerinas. i thought of my family. i pulled out a card that i had bought a few days earlier intending to give it to someone else in my life. but reconsidered. the card said something to the extent of "in a perfect world i'd give you a hug right now/but in a perfect world we would not be apart." who better to give this card to than mommy and daddy? sappy, i know. mom would love it. mom would cry, as i found out later she did. but the halmark statement was not the point: it was siply a device to carry across my personal message. inside i wrote a sentiment to my parents, thanking them, encouraging them, assuring them that i would be good and do good, and that they would survive without me even if they doubted that. and in ending, i wrote "now is the time i go to college to find out what i love. because i already know who i love. and that is my family."
father jack drove that point home. he said exactly what i thought, on september first. and exactly what i still mean. i know who i love. i know who is there for me in my life. i'm not at college to meet guys. i'm not at college to party. i'm at college to find out what i'm passionate about. to do something for me for a change yet in turn do something for the world for a change. i'm at college, particularly bc, to fall in love.
i couldnt be more happy with my life right now. i have a great family. i have great friends, new and old. i am accepted here by the people i want to be accepted by. i dont have to pretend to be something i'm not. i can go to church and i wont be the only person under 40 there. i can wear a dress to class if i want. i can wear sweat pants, hair tied, and no makeup to class if i want. i can go out on a friday night, i can stay in on a friday night. i can dance with guys on a boat on boston harbor under the stars or i can sing in my pjs in front of the mirror with my roommate at midnight while taking a study break. i can go to the library to study and not be a nerd. i can say hi to strangers, i can answer questions in class. i could eat froyo every night, but i wont. i can join a million clubs if i want. i can apply for a position and not get it and it will be okay because there are more and better opportunities. i can volunteer and be selfless. i can talk to the people that work in the dining hall. i can be bold enough. i can do whatever i want here. and it feels good.
father jack also said we should never ever say college will be the best four years of our lives. i mean, ive only been in college less than a month and i feel they will. but the thing is, they wont! they may be thus far but the best is always yet to come.
i just want to make the most of these four years, especially this year. i already have really high ambitions. im already in elp and women in business. im joining appalacia to do an alternate spring break volunteer immersion trip to a region of appalacia in need. i plan to try to go to ireland or somewhere this summer to take a summer course and explore the world. i want to write for a magazine. i want to volunteer. i want to get to know my professors and the jesuits and the faculty. i am meeting a lot of really great kids, a lot just like me yet totally different than me. im learning more in three or so weeks of class than i did in a whole year of high school. i want to follow what i like, not a carreer for money, fame, or self importance. i want to make an impact, i want to succeed.
but success is defined differently for me now.
success is self defined.
father jack told us that if we make a million dollars and people in india are starving, we are a failure. he told us that if we become ceo of a company and women in africa are still being persecuted to female circumcision, we are a failure. if we do this and that bla bla bla and children are going to bed at night alone in an unsafe neighborhood because their mommys and daddys are working second and third jobs just to survive, we are failures.
i dont want to be a failure.
i wont disappoint.